How I shed my fear of abandonment through mindfulness and let the universe steer me toward love
I often ask my students, “What do you want to accomplish from your meditation?” The most common answers I get are stress and anxiety release.
But the magic that unfolds after you quiet your mind can often surprise you. I can say this with conviction because I have had many awe-inspiring moments I would have missed before my mindfulness practice.
Today, in the wake of 23andMe filing for bankruptcy, I want to share a personal story about how mindfulness helped me find my biological family. It is about faith, love, forgiveness, and the miracles of life.
For more than 40 years of my life, I experienced a deep fear of abandonment. This was due to second-hand trauma from associating myself with my mother’s experience of being an orphan. It’s annoying when doctors ask me, “Do you know your medical history on your mother’s side?” A lack of answers to this question often makes me feel like a big part of me is missing. In addition to being abandoned by my own family, it feels like I might also get double-penalized by not being able to detect genetic disease early.
My mother was born in the 1950s when Chinese women had little say at home, including whether to keep their babies or not. Traditionally, the Chinese family placed much higher value on men than women. My mother was unfortunately born as the 4th girl in the family, and the men in the house decided to give her up.
The grand-mom I grew up with, whom I called “Po Po” in Cantonese, adopted my mother. Po Po was an illiterate farmer in Sai Kung, Hong Kong. She might have been unable to write a complete sentence, but she was resilient, witty, and wise. She lost her husband and some children during the Japanese occupation in Hong Kong.
According to Po Po, one day in the 50s, she heard loud crying on the street. She followed the sound and found a baby wrapped in a red cloth. Immediately, she thought of the children she lost in the war and felt compelled to bring the baby home. Without that instant spark of compassion, I would not be writing this blog today, and I am forever grateful.
As a young girl, I would get confused when I heard this story. In my little head, I would ask, “You mean our biological family has rejected us before they have even met us?” and “You mean they have no interest in getting to know me?” I desperately wanted to search for my biological family so I could show them my worthiness. Still, I would not tell any adult because I did not want to worry them. Growing up in Catholic school, though, I felt safe telling God.
“Dear God, where is my grand-mom?”
From a young age, these insecurities put me on the hamster wheel of chasing external validation. Whenever I saw people mistreating my family, I imagined they looked down on us. Now that I am older and wiser, I realize the world is simply filled with wounded souls who treat others poorly because, deep down, they also treat themselves poorly.
Regardless, I was determined to be the one who shone a positive light on my family, always smiling and always performing. Under my watch, no one would dare look down on us. I studied society’s expectations and followed the good daughter formula attentively. For the most part, I succeeded externally but made silent tradeoffs internally that I was unaware of during the process.
As an adult, the fear of abandonment continued to haunt me and has had a profound impact on my relationship with myself and others. To protect us, our nervous system looks for familiar experiences, even if they are painful, by planning for these events ahead of time. I have learned that if you allow your mind to go on autopilot, you are depending on your trauma to be your internal compass and determine the theme of your life. Over time, you will surround yourself with characters and behaviours that can re-create the same distressing emotions. When repeated enough times in your head, the initial traumatic experience—even if it was second-hand—becomes real in your system. It forms deep canals in your subconscious that become your mental prison.
For a long time, I did not recognize my patterns. I repeated the same self-sabotaging behavior. Should we discuss all those people I allowed to walk in and out of my life freely, only to reinforce my sense of abandonment since they didn’t see or care about me and were, therefore, incapable of protecting my sanity?
For years, I let stress and anxiety suck the joy out of my life. Between the stress hormones and unhealthy eating patterns, my gut gave up on me, and I am living with the consequences to this day. To all my friends who accommodate my dietary preferences and allergies over the years and indulge me with those long conversations with waiters and chefs, I love you and thank you for not abandoning me, especially at the dining table.
As I recall my times in these toxic loops, I am appalled. It is almost like watching those documentaries about cults, and you think, “Just how, what… no way, you did what?” Except this time, I am in the documentary.
If you do not recognize the toxic patterns, you cannot alter them. If you look at the world and yourself daily through your wounded being, you will get the results that fit that wounded self’s character. Being able to direct that internal dialogue is key to changing your fate.
And that is why mindfulness practice has been a turning point for me. Our mind is an impressive instrument, but all the fear it generates cannot withstand the truth from your heart. Life is a co-creation process. If you let your heart speak and align your actions with your blessings and genuine desires, you will steer your life in a new direction and reach destinations you have never imagined before.
It was after many years of developing a consistent mindfulness practice that my mother turned 70 in November 2020, and I felt an urgency, so I upped my prayer several notches: “Dear universe, I have no information, no idea where to start, but please help me find my mom’s family. We are running out of time.”
A year before that, in 2019, my naturopath doctor, Graeme, advised me to take a DNA test to uncover any genetic factors that may have caused some of my symptoms. The minute I sent off my DNA sample to 23andMe, I had a flash of thought—what if I find my family this way? As always, my authoritative know-it-all ego immediately chimed in: “Nah, most 23andMe users are Americans. What are the chances they are also Americans?”
Two months after my mother’s 70th birthday, I received a match for a cousin on her side of the family. I cried, and my heart rate elevated.
After contacting my cousin on Facebook in January, he finally replied in April by confirming the connection and sharing that he, my aunts and other cousins all resided in California. Unfortunately, we could not visit the U.S. due to COVID. We immediately arranged Zoom calls for the family to meet virtually in 2021, and the sisters spent a lot of time on the phone in 2022. We soon learned that my oldest aunt had already passed away. All the sisters eventually met in California in April 2023. One of my aunts passed away soon after, at the end of 2023. It felt like the universe was helping her stay alive until she got to see her little sister. The last remaining aunt visited us in Hong Kong a year ago, and just last week, I spent a wonderful morning with her in San Francisco while I was there. Like any good Chinese aunt, she stuffed my bag with a pear, cookies, loganberries, dim sum, and probably a few other things I have yet to discover.
Reflecting on this journey, I realized that before my mindfulness practice, I had yielded control to my mind so it could trick me into ingraining a deep fear of abandonment in my system. Every story has multiple perspectives; for what your mind can’t see, your heart will, and clarity is only possible when they work as a team. As I rewrite my narrative as part of my healing process, I see a different perspective today. I also see how I can steer to a higher path because I have taken actions and made decisions based on a new horizon.
What if the universe took away my family so I could experience this pure, unconditional love from my Po Po—the kind of love that is beyond anything contractual, obligatory, and physical? The love that holds us together as a family, not because of expected responsibility, but because a few humans choose to love one another and renew our commitment to this family unit through our actions day after day?
And what about this miraculous journey to find my family again? What if I am blessed with this experience that seems much larger than me, just to keep me curious and humble about life so that I can be a better teacher, friend, daughter, sister, partner?
What if I repurpose this experience as a tool to channel essential life lessons that can change others' lives?
What if I am blessed with the understanding that my life resulted from many twists of fate, so I would treasure my time on earth and live my life more intentionally and purposefully?
True miracles rarely happen when you are in control. Be clear about what you want, but also be willing to surrender and let the universe's whisper guide you forward.
There is that leap of faith between knowing what you want and not knowing how to get there, and that is the sacred space that nurtures the magnificence of life.
我如何通过正念摆脱被遗弃的恐惧，让宇宙引领我走向爱
我常常问我的学生：“你通过冥想想要达成什么？”最常听到的回答是：释放压力和焦虑。
然而，当你安静下来，冥想中的奇迹常常会让你感到惊讶。我可以如此坚定地说，因为在我的正念练习之前，我错过了许多本该经历的震撼时刻。
今天，在23andMe宣布破产之际，我想分享一个个人故事——正念如何帮助我找到了亲生家族。这个故事关乎信念、爱、宽恕，以及生命中的奇迹。
在我生命的四十多年里，我一直深深地感受到一种被遗弃的恐惧。这源自于与母亲作为孤儿的经历的“间接创伤”。当医生问我：“你母亲一方的家族病史是什么？”我总是无言以对，无法回答这个问题。无法给出答案，让我常常觉得自己失去了某个重要的部分。除了被自己的家人抛弃外，这种无法获取遗传病史的缺失感，仿佛让我再一次被命运双重惩罚。
我的母亲出生在上世纪五十年代，那时中国的女性几乎没有在家中的发言权，包括是否要保留自己的孩子。中国传统文化中，男性往往被赋予比女性更高的价值。我母亲不幸成为了家中的第四个女儿，家中的男性决定抛弃她。
我与外婆一同成长，外婆是我在香港西贡的奶奶，我称她为“婆婆”。婆婆是一个文盲农妇，无法写出完整的句子，但她坚韧、聪慧、睿智。在日本占领香港的时期，婆婆失去了丈夫和几个孩子。
据婆婆说，在五十年代的某一天，她在街上听到了婴儿的哭声。她跟随声音，发现了一个用红布包裹的婴儿。她立即想起了在战争中失去的孩子们，内心充满怜悯与牵挂，决定将这个婴儿带回家。正是因为那一瞬间的慈悲与决心，我才有今天的故事可以书写。对于这一切，我永远心怀感激。
小时候，我常常感到困惑。每当听到这个故事，我心里不禁发问：“我们的亲生家人甚至在见到我们之前就抛弃了我们？”“他们真的一点也不想认识我吗？”我渴望寻找自己的亲生家人，想证明自己的存在是值得被爱的，但我从未敢告诉任何大人，生怕他们担心我。幸运的是，在天主教学校的日子里，我总是感到神的陪伴，我在神面前感到安慰。
“亲爱的上帝，我的外婆在哪里？”
从小，这些不安全感把我带入了追寻外在认可的旋涡。每当看到别人对待我的家人不敬时，我总是认为他们是在看不起我们。而如今，我终于明白，这个世界充满了伤痕未愈的灵魂，他们将自己的痛苦投射到他人身上，因为内心深处，他们也未曾学会如何善待自己。
尽管如此，我依然决心做那个为家人带来光明的人，总是微笑，总是努力表现。无论何时何地，我都不允许别人看不起我们。我学会了迎合社会的期望，恪守“乖女儿”的标准。表面上，我做得不错，但在这个过程中，我默默地做出了许多妥协，这些妥协我并没有意识到。
成年之后，这种被遗弃的恐惧依然纠缠着我，并深刻影响了我与自己和他人的关系。为了保护自己，我们的神经系统会寻找那些熟悉的经历，即使它们带来痛苦。我们会提前预设这些事情的发生。若任由大脑的自动模式控制，我们就会让创伤成为内心的指南，决定人生的轨迹。随着时间的推移，我们会不自觉地吸引那些能够再次唤起相同情绪的人与事。经过多次重复，那些创伤——即使是间接的——最终会成为我们身体的一部分，成为潜意识中无法抹去的痕迹，形成牢不可破的心理监狱。
很长时间里，我未曾意识到这些模式。反复自我毁灭的行为时常发生。我们是否要讨论一下那些我让他们随意进出我生活的人？他们不仅没有看到我，也没有真正关心我，最终无力保护我那脆弱的心灵。
多年间，我任由压力与焦虑吞噬了生活中的欢乐。由于应激激素和不健康的饮食习惯，我的肠胃最终“罢工”，至今仍在承受后果。感谢我的朋友们，感谢你们这些年在餐桌上容忍我的饮食禁忌与过敏，耐心与服务员和厨师沟通。我感谢你们，在餐桌上从未抛弃我，真心感激。
回顾那些困于毒性循环的日子，我深感震惊。就像观看一部关于邪教的纪录片，你不禁会想：“怎么可能？你们居然这么做？”但唯一不同的是，这次主角就是我自己。如果我们无法识别这些毒性模式，我们就无法改变它们。如果我们每一天都通过伤痛的眼睛看待世界和自己，生活中得到的结果必定会与这些伤痛相契合。能够指引内心对话的方向，才是改变命运的关键。
正因如此，正念的修行才成为了我的转折点。大脑虽然强大，但它所制造的恐惧，终究无法抗衡来自心灵的真相。生命是一个共同创造的过程。当你让心灵说话，并让行动与祝福和真正的愿望对齐时，你的人生将朝着一个全新的方向前行，抵达你从未设想过的彼岸。
经过多年的正念练习后，到了2020年11月，我母亲迎来了70岁生日。这时我内心感到一种紧迫感，于是我在祷告中加倍虔诚：“亲爱的宇宙，我没有任何线索，也不知道从哪里开始，但请帮助我找到我母亲的家人。时间不多了。”
早在2019年，我的自然疗法医生Graeme就建议我做一次DNA检测，看看是否有遗传因素影响了我的健康。正当我将唾液样本寄往23andMe时，我突然有了一个念头：或许我能通过这个方式找到我的家人？但我的理性自我立即反驳道：“不太可能吧，23andMe的大多数用户都是美国人，怎么可能会碰巧找到我的家人？”
母亲70岁生日后两个月，我竟然收到了一个亲戚的DNA匹配信息。那一刻，我激动得泪流满面，心跳加速。
2021年1月，我通过Facebook联系了这位表亲，他在4月回信，确认了亲戚关系，并告诉我他和几位姨妈、其他亲戚都住在美国加州。由于疫情，我们无法立刻前往美国，但我们迅速安排了2021年的Zoom视频通话，让全家人先在线上见面。2022年，姐妹们也通过电话保持了密切联系。不久后，我们得知最年长的姨妈已经去世。2023年4月，其他姐妹终于在加州相聚。2023年底，另一位姨妈也去世了。仿佛宇宙在等她见到最小的妹妹后才安心离开。剩下的姨妈于去年访港，今年我也在旧金山度过了与她一起的美好早晨。像所有慈爱的中国姨妈一样，她塞满了我的包，送我梨子、饼干、龙眼干、点心，还有可能是一些我至今未发现的小吃。
回顾这一段旅程，我终于意识到，在我开始正念修行之前，我将生命的控制权交给了大脑，而它却不断利用“被遗弃”的恐惧欺骗我，把这种恐惧深深植入了我的身体。每个故事都有不同的视角；当大脑无法看清时，心灵便能看到。当心与脑携手合作时，真相才得以显现。现在，在疗愈的过程中，我正在重写自己的故事，今天，我看到了不同的视角。也正是因为如此，我能够在新的视野指引下，走上更高的道路。
或许，宇宙让我失去原生家庭，是为了让我体验这份纯粹、无条件的爱——这份超越一切契约、义务和物质的爱。这份将我们紧紧相连的爱，并非出于责任，而是因为几个人选择了彼此的爱，并通过日复一日的行动重新承诺这个家庭。
那么，这次寻找家族的奇迹之旅呢？或许宇宙赐予我这段经历，是为了让我保持对生活的好奇与谦卑，从而成为更好的老师、朋友、女儿、姐妹、伴侣。
如果，我能将这次经历作为一项工具，用来传递那些能改变他人生命的生活智慧呢？
如果，我能够理解，我的一生是由许多命运的转折所成就的，那么我会更加珍惜在世的时光，更加有意识和有目标地活在当下。
真正的奇迹，往往发生在你放手的时刻。当你清晰知道自己想要什么时，也请愿意放下自己的控制，让宇宙的低语引导你向前。
那种在知道目标与不知道如何实现之间的信念跳跃，正是滋养生命奇迹的圣地。
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